Tuesday, March 22, 2016
The father or mother who is the target of parental alienation may not be the actual intended victim of the parent doing the inappropriate child mind-washing. In fact, many times it’s the fact that the divorced Dad or Mom has started a new life without the ex, and the ex becomes furious about it. In my husband’s specific case, it was his ex-wife that was unfaithful to the marriage by having a nearly year-long affair with a man whom she originally claimed had raped her while she was traveling with him to a rodeo in another state. Either she was a liar about the start of the affair, or the latter would allege a break of her mental health in that she ended up marrying the very person she claimed had raped her.
The toxic environment this ex-wife created was toxic and triggered intense pain and a rage that she and her now deceased husband intensified with their inappropriate and destructive behaviors. They involved the children in their constant degrading comments, cursing and ranting, and extremely inappropriate behaviors. This degradation consisted not only the children’s father but also his new wife and her family.
In an affidavit filed in public record after becoming an adult, the oldest child who experienced these behaviors advised under oath that she was constantly in a state of fear of retaliation by her mother and step-father if she expressed any love of her other parent. In addition, she also tells about the alleged molestation by her step-father and her mother’s disregard of the child’s revelation of the abuse. In fact, the child was ostracized by her own mother because she shared this allegation while at a church camp one summer. As a result of the revelation, the child was removed from mother’s home. However, the Oklahoma Department of Human Services never bothered to notify the father, who had been so alienated that the children had refused to even see him for years for no valid reason at all.
It literally requires enormous self-control for the parent who is alienated to not lower themselves to the behaviors of the horrible behaving, and abusive ex-spouse. This is especially true when members of one's own family act as if you have no reason to be angry at the other parent or frustrated with the children's abusive behaviors toward you. You feel constantly under the microscope and harshly judged by family and friends who have never had to live in this pressure cooker. As a result you find yourself constantly defending yourself and your feelings which further victimizes you, What is intended by the ex-spouse to be cruel punishments from her to the father of these children, actually was abuse not only to Dad but also to her very own children. Yet somehow the hold the mind-washing techniques has had on this child continues to be a stronghold.
Judges as well as people who are lucky enough to have normal, loving relationships have no idea how REAL parental alienation actually is. The same is true for those of you that have an ex-spouse who is intelligent and knows that children are the winners when they are given permission to love both parents and both families. For people with “normal” parent-child relationships, the idea of parental alienation sounds absolutely ridiculous and couldn’t possibly be occurring. That assumption or opinion is completely wrong as there are a multitude of parents and children who are put through the abuse of Parental Alienation each and every day. In most cases, the deep distrust of the parent being alienated which has been created by the alienating parent is so deep that it is akin to actual brain washing.
This blog is the history of our case. It was filed in Rogers County District Court, in Claremore, Oklahoma. You will hear the history of the case as well as the Judge’s decisions and the Court’s absolute disregard of the abuse that continues to this day. As a paralegal I can tell you first hand that this case is unlike anything you would ever believe. Experts testified that Mother was literally abusing her own children by her alienating behaviors. She even encouraged the children to scream at Dad over the telephone during the visits that were Court Ordered because Mother refused to allow Dad to communicate normally with the children.
As I go through the story I hope those who are in the same boat will find solace and comfort knowing you are not alone. I also have no doubt that my husband’s ex-spouse, and alienated children will also one day read this blog if for no other reason than curiosity as to what I’m saying. After all, I was abused as well and a target of this disturbing behavior.
The system was so abused by this alienating person that bogus protective orders were filed, and in different counties while court shopping, so that Dad couldn’t exercise normal visitation without Mom’s constant interference. It was not only abusive but also quite pathetic and Judges should have found this woman in contempt and jailed her for the abuses.
Each week I will add to this blog and I hope you will take the time to not only read it but also share it on Facebook, Twitter, and any other form of social media at your disposal. This is a story, a real story full of details that need to be told, heard, and shared. Then, there may be some justice after all.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Friday, July 17, 2015
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Monday, July 13, 2015
Irwin: Yo Janet (although my name is Janice)
Me: What Irvin?
Irwin: I was wondering
Me: I hope thinking doesn’t hurt your head.
Irwin:Oh haha btw (by the way) you look nice today.
Me: You haven’t seen me today!
Irwin:Yeah, but I bet you dressed good today.
Me:What are you wanting?
Irwin:Can I not have a conversation without me wanting something?
Me:Not a conversation telling me I look good. Come on son spit it out, what are you working up the nerve to ask?
Irwin:Well, you see, Rico wanted to know if I could hang out with him today, youno what I’m saying homie?
Me:Isn’t Dad home? Are all your chores completed, your room clean, are you wearing clean underwear?
Irwin: We are about to clean the kitchen and I’m washing my sheets. Clean underwear, Get out of here!
Me:If that stuff is done then I don’t care if Dad doesn’t care. He may even take you over to Rico’s if you ask him to do so.
Irwin: Ight thanks homie G.
Who is Homie G? And why is my son texting me when he has a perfectly good parent at home? I shared this conversation with my coworkers and was told it was because I’m the easier mark for Irwin to get what he was wanting. That’s probably true too! Pamela is a daddy’s girl so she goes to David while Irwin comes to me. However, if I call him a “Momma’s Boy” he seems to think that’s a bad thing as if it makes him a powder puff or something. Why is that?
I raised four older sons and they didn’t seem to mind being Momma’s Boys. What is it about this generation that they don’t want to admit the obvious? From the beginning of time there has always been a special kind of bond between moms and sons. My sister and I would always ask our Dad if we wanted to do stuff. We felt he would be more likely to say yes than our mother would have. However, our brothers were just the opposite. We were definitely Daddy’s Girls and we didn’t mind that at all.
There was no question that Mom and Dad loved us equally. They loved both their sons just as much as they loved their daughters. The same way goes for me and David. We love our children. Although there are times as a parent when your children, at home or grown, do things that doesn’t make you like their behaviors very much. As parents we tend to think people are judging us by the behaviors of our children, even as adults and living away from home for many years. Why is that?
I loved raising sons when my three older sons were little. I remember sitting in my hospital bed after I gave birth to Austen on Super Bowl Sunday after 16 hours of hard labor. We didn’t have epidurals then and so labor was wrought with severe pain. It wasn’t like it is today where you get a shot and actually feel no pain during the delivery. I remember holding him in my arms and realizing that I was now responsible for a human life. I was his only source of food, shelter, clothing, and emotional support. The very life of this little guy rested upon my shoulders. Then along came his brother, Jorden just two years later. Another two years passed and here came sweet Dalten. Two years after Dalten’s arrival Gordo showed up. These boys were my world!
As a single Mom I saw my boys hit high school. I remembered the old ladies saying, “enjoy them now honey because they’ll be grown before you know it!” And sure enough…it happened. One day Dalten looked at me and said, “Mom, what are you going to do when you are all by yourself? Ouch! That hit me like a ton of bricks.
First Austen went off to Oklahoma State University and I tried to remember that to give him wings I had to release him. I did give him some advice however, and told him that “Mom’s don’t need to know everything!” Jorden graduated and joined the Air Force and was stationed in Guam, which seemed like a million miles away from Oklahoma. At one point I was forced to not see him for 18 LONG months. Being a military mom wasn’t something I relished because I was not used to being away from my son. But, he was teaching me something that I would have to learn well because Dalten and Gordo both joined the military and there have been several deployments since my experience with Jorden.
I’ll also never forget Jorden coming into my office when I was a Paralegal at Stephen P. Gray & Associates. It was an afternoon and I thought perhaps he was coming to beg lunch from mom. However, that was not what was on his agenda. This handsome blonde young man looked at me through those gorgeous baby blue eyes and said, “Mom, I joined the Air Force!” My answer was a question, “Why the Air Force?” My son gave me an answer I really wasn’t expecting but was not at all surprised to hear, “because the Air Force has better looking women!”
manila envelope one day. I opened it and it was a bib that said, “Grandma’s Girl.” Abileyne has since taught me to be a grandma, with Ashlyn to follow, then Sophie, and now Jasmine and JJ. Being a grandma is the greatest gift God bestows, I really believe that. I also think that if you truly love your child, and you have parents that aren’t drug addicts or criminals, you would be very selfish to not allow that child to have a relationship with a grandparent. Grandparents are God’s way of giving us extra special treatment while still knowing there is a place where we have to learn to behave and do our chores (Mom & Dad’s house).
Our adult children sometimes disappoint us with the decisions or choices they make in life. Sometimes their choice of inappropriate language, tattoos, piercings, and behaviors land far from the tree known as the parent.However, just because they make choices that are different from ours, or choices we wouldn’t make, it doesn’t mean we don’t love them, after all, we spent those years when we were young and energetic and poured our time and hearts into raising them. I love my children, everyone of them and I’m glad God allowed me to raise them, even if the child didn’t always appreciate the sacrifices and hardships we faced along the way.
I have also noticed that sometimes our adult children like to blame Mom for self-created issues. For instance, "mom is always in my business" yet they bring their problems to mom to help fix. Don't take mom your issues if you're going to go right back to that that caused the problem, then blame your mother. Also, don't blame mom for your inappropriate behaviors or habits which are NOT what she taught you. Those behaviors were your own doing, not mom's doing. And lastly, when you're an adult, stop telling mom she is no longer your mom because she spends what little time she has among a lot of people and responsibilities. Everything is NOT about one person in this life.
Moms also deserve happiness, tranquility, and respect because she raised you to be a good human being. Try to remember you are here because of her.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
As many of my readers know, I have had some pretty serious medical issues over the last several years. I fought a battle with cancer several times and cancer was definitely out to get me. But....CANCER DIDN'T WIN! In addition, I also found out that my esophagus was in pretty bad shape and if something drastic wasn't done I would be looking as esophageal cancer within the next 1-3 years. In addition, being extremely overweight added additional issues to my health such as Sleep Apnea, Diabetes, and high blood pressure. Along with Diabetes I also suffered greatly from Neuropathy. My body hurt so bad at night that I barely slept. Not sleeping then affected me during the day. It became misery on top of misery.
I had often thought about getting lap band surgery and in January 2013 I began seeing a doctor to do so. However, my insurance required I go to the doctor every month for a year. It became a drugery and required I take time off work to do so. In addition, there would be times when I'd have a 1 p.m. appointment and still be in the waiting room waiting to see this doctor at 3:30 p.m. Once, I was there past 5:00 p.m. I realize doctors can get busy, but this was not a surgeon nor anyone that did rounds at the hospital. Why on earth should I wait for this long? If doctors had to pay for our time the way we have to pay for theirs, they would keep to their schedules. I realize that things come up or happen medically. However, waiting hour after hour is too much!
I had decided not to have the lap band after a surgical nurse told me that some people have problems with the band, or end up having a different procedure later because the weight loss was not very significant for them. I actually decided I just didn't have the time available off work to do any surgery. Then entered the fabulous Sharyn Roberts!
I met Sharyn Roberts on a cruise in 2013. We had a big adoption ceremony for Pamela & Irwin and then took them on a "familymoon" cruise. We ended up meeting a group of people on the same cruise from all over the world. Sharyn Roberts from Melbourne, Australia, was one of those wonderful people. Sharyn is a gorgous lady from the other side of the world. She was petite and had such a glow about her. As a result of this cruise we started communicating and became like family. This group of people just had that fit together. The bond has grown into something absolutely heavenly! In fact, I don't believe I could have kept my head up during my last round of cancer treatments had it not been for my NCL Family. They are so precious to me.
We met Sharyn & Andrew Roberts, along with Warren & Linda Smith for a second cruise in 2014. However, we didn't take the kids on this cruise so we could have adult time so desperately needed. On this cruise while I was getting a wonderful, and cheap massage, at a glorious beach side resort, David was sitting at our table with Sharyn, Andrew, Linda & Warren. While I was enjoying my massage, Sharyn shared a photo of herself prior to her having had weight loss surgery. When I got back to the table David looked at me and said, "Sharyn showed us a photo that will change your life." Wow, looking at the photo she was sharing was a huge contrast from the small, gorgeous blonde standing under that shelter on the beach in Honduras. Sharyn sharing her past opened up the window to my future in a way nobody could even imagine.
When we arrived back home from that cruise I was determined to have the surgery. Once I saw the surgeon and some pre-surgery testing was done, I learned that if I didn't do something drastic, and QUICKLY, I wouldn't be around to see my youngest Granddaughter, Sophie, begin Kindergarten in a couple of years. I have adorable grandchildren, and two teens still at home, and the surgeon made it quite clear that I was standing on the edge of life. I could do nothing and go over the cliff or I could bite the bullet and live a life that I would find had much more meaning and happiness. Not to say I was unhappy but just incredible unhealthy.
The type of surgery I was going to have was now the question. Sharyn had the lap band, but there were also other types. The Roux-N-Y is what I chose because I'm one of those people who has little or no will power. As such, I knew I needed to have consequences if I pushed the envelope too far. The recovery time was the same for each of these surgeries so I went for the Cadillac of weight loss surgeries. As it turned out, someone from the office donated me all the extra paid time off I needed beyond what I already had, which was a huge blessing. I took off work on February 17, 2015 to get things together for what I felt would be a difficult recovery. Surgery was on February 18, 2015, and for some reason I was truly afraid I was going to die during surgery. I was only off for 9 days, then returned for half days on March 1, 2015.
People tend to think that weigh-loss surgery is an easy out. Don't be so quick to make those judgments! Its the hardest work I've ever done. It is very difficult to cook for a family when the very food you're cooking may not be among the items you can consume. My husband, David, and youngest son, Irwin loves Fettuccine Alfredo. However, pasta is not immediately back on the menu for me. It takes months before someone having had this surgery can consume such things. I learned to endure Tuna, Salmon, Basa, low-fat Cottage Cheese, Refried Beans, and protein shakes.
In addition, as a mom we can't just remove everything we can't eat from our lives because our children and/or spouse still wants those items. It is darn difficult to drive up to Sonic and watch as your teens and spouse devour Oreo Cookie Blasts. I have removed a lot of junk food from my pantry. Instead, when I get the kids some cookies I make them take them to their room, or get them out of my sight. I may have had the surgery but I still have the will-power issues. Surgery is not a cure-all from our learned behaviors.
Today is a day of celebration in our home. In five months I have gone from a size 5X to a size 16. I hit my first BIG goal today, 100 pounds lost. It didn't come easily either. I workout every day except Sunday. When I hit the wall a few weeks ago, and the weight loss stopped, I called on my cousin, Danna Spohn, That girl should truly be a fitness trainer. She has helped me so much to get over the hurdles that have stood between me and the scales.
It just amazes me the people God puts into our lives from places we don't really think about. I've had several people become very important in my journey. Having lost 100 pounds brings with it other issues, such as sagging skin, LOTS OF SAGGING!! My daughter-in-law, Shelby, has helped me greatly with that issue. She advised that I needed to exfoliate my skin then apply a moisturizer so the skin could get back some of its elasticity. I did so and it has made a difference. Then, I began researching skin tightening. I came across a video of a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills who has developed such a cream. I've also received advise and help from sweet Shelby with my hair. When the body experiences these changes hair loss can become a problem. Shelby has been extremely helpful. Those of you in the Tulsa area; Shelby can help you look beautiful at Ihloff Salon & Day Spa. Call for an appointment and you won't be sorry you did. You'll feel amazing!
I watched the video twice. It really got my attention and the way this plastic surgeon educated during the video kept my attention. The cream costs $75 a 1.69 ounce jar. Wow! I had just gone through Fat Girl Thin at a cost of around $35 and it didn't last me two weeks. Now, this jar was even smaller and at twice the cost. Would it be worth it? If you could see all the sagging of my body, you would understand that this is a very important issue to someone who has lost a lot of weight in such a short time.